I wanted to share a few things I’ve learned about supporting someone with cancer—without making it weird for you or for the person you’re supporting.
The key is simple: Keep treating us normally. Don’t assume our lives are completely consumed by cancer and nothing else. Yes, cancer takes up a lot of space. There are appointments, treatments, scans, phone calls, decisions, and sometimes a whole lot of uncertainty.
But life goes on. Work goes on. Family life goes on. Friendships go on. We still watch television, laugh at stupid videos, talk about our kids, complain about traffic, gossip about the latest episode of our favorite show, and have opinions about what’s happening in the world. Normalcy is important.
I have the best family. They have gone out of their way to support us financially. I have upcoming trips to Houston, including an expected four-to-six-week stay there after surgery. That means housing, food, transportation, medical supplies, and who knows what else. Asking for financial support isn’t easy for me. And I can imagine there are many cancer patients and caregivers in similar situations who are struggling financially but may not feel comfortable asking for help. My family has been incredibly generous. But I also know that giving financially isn’t something everyone can do. And that’s okay. There are so many other ways you can support someone with cancer.
Talk About Everyday Life
Call them. Text them. Share neighborhood news, family news, or church news. Tell me what your kids are doing. Tell me what happened at work. Tell me about your vacation plans. Tell me what you’re watching on television. We all need a break from thinking about cancer 24/7.
And while we’re talking about everyday life, let me say something else that might make some people uncomfortable.
Those of us facing cancer are thinking about death and dying. That doesn’t mean we’re accepting death as our final diagnosis. Hope and honest conversations can exist at the same time. I would actually love to have conversations with people about their thoughts on the dying experience—their expectations, their beliefs, their desires, and what matters to them. I think those conversations can be wholesome and healing. Talking about death doesn’t mean you’ve given up on life. Sometimes, talking honestly about death helps us appreciate life even more.
Share a Laugh
Send a funny video. Tell a joke. Send a ridiculous meme. Humor and normalcy can be powerful antidotes to isolation. I heard KevOn Stage talk about how his friend Tony would send him texts and links to a pool game and tell him to “take the shot.” I loved that. It was a simple reminder that life exists outside of grief. So have fun with your friend. I’m all about living life to the fullest now.
Acknowledge the Awkwardness
Sometimes you don’t know what to say. That’s okay. You can simply say: “I don’t know the right words to say, but I care about you and I’m here.” That’s enough. You don’t have to give me a Scripture. You don’t have to tell me what I should or shouldn’t eat. You don’t have to give me advice about sugar, juicing, supplements, or the latest cancer cure you saw on social media. Sometimes just acknowledge what’s happening and sit with me in it.
Check In—Don’t Ghost Me
Please don’t disappear because you feel awkward. Don’t assume I’m too busy with medical stuff to talk. I’m probably not. If I need to take a call from the hospital while we’re talking, I’ll let you know. But please keep calling. Keep texting. Keep sending the funny videos. Keep telling me what’s happening in your life. Don’t ghost me because you don’t know what to say.
I’m preparing for a lengthy hospital stay in Houston in a few months, so I understand that in-person visits aren’t something most people can do. But those texts from my friends and family members are everything. Did you know hospital stays can be some of the busiest and loneliest places on earth? You are surrounded by nurses, doctors, technicians, and other medical professionals all day long. Someone is constantly coming into the room. And yet, you can feel incredibly isolated from regular life. So check on your people in the hospital.
Offer Specific, Concrete Help
One of the hardest things for someone going through cancer is asking for help. So instead of saying: “Let me know if you need anything.” Try offering something specific. Take them on an adventure like my niece Jamie did last year when we went to St. Louis. Or my friend Phyllis, who recently took me on an e-bike adventure. Maybe they would love hiking, going to the movies, or hanging out at the zoo. Cancer doesn’t mean we’ve stopped wanting to live. To the contrary. We want to live life to the fullest!
Propose a Specific Action
Instead of: “Let me know if you need anything.” Try: “I’m heading to the grocery store. What can I pick up for you?” Or: “Can I drop dinner off on Tuesday?” Or go a step further. Pick up a ready-made pizza or casserole from one of those places that makes meals for the freezer and bring it over. You don’t have to make it complicated.
Take Action Quietly
Sometimes the best help doesn’t require a conversation at all. Show up with a pot of soup. Give them a gift card. Mow the yard. Rake the leaves. Pick up the prescriptions. Take the kids somewhere for a few hours. Do something useful without making a big production out of it. Sometimes quiet help is easier to accept than a formal offer.
Give Them Time
This second round of cancer was difficult for me. I didn’t immediately want to talk about it. I needed time to process this new diagnosis before I could find the words to explain what I was feeling. So remember this: Someone may not be ready to talk. Let them guide the conversation. Don’t pressure them to explain everything. Don’t take their silence personally. Keep showing up. Keep checking in. Keep treating them like the person you’ve always known. And when they’re ready, they’ll come around.
Cancer has changed some things in my life. But it hasn’t changed who I am. And one of the greatest gifts you can give someone going through cancer is to remember that.
